My Journey Toward A New Life

I posted this comment on another site 7/18, and I’ve been going back and forth wondering if I should put it here on my blog or not.  After a lot of thought, I decided to post it becauses it’s part of my journey and when I started this journey I said I would be upfront and honest no matter what.  So here goes:

Okay, i took everyone’s advice and went scale shopping. I started with the Tanita digital scales and saw one for $29 and another for $49. I loved how well they were constructed, however both scales only registered up to 330 pounds and each time I got on one, I got an O L error, meaniing I was over the limit. Needless to say I got very sad and teared up because that meant I haven’t really lost any weight since my 7/2 visit with my doctor which had me weighing 333.4 lbs. So, I picked up the Weight Watchers scale that was $59, again good construction but same result – the scale only went up to 330 lbs. Now I am really down and tears are running down my cheeks. I can’t understand how I have not lost weight – nearly everything I put in comes back up in minutes, when I do eat I only get in a few teaspoons. I don’t drink sugary stuff, just water and diet lemonade watered down. Well, now I decide to try my hand at analog scales, and believe me it gets worse! One scale said I was 340 pounds, the other said I was 331 pounds. I then tried a Homedics digital model that goes up to 400 pounds and before I even got on it, it displayed 2.6 pounds, once I got on it read 332.4 pounds which would put me at 329.8 which is right around where my primary doctor’s analog scale put me on 7/9. Determined to walk out of there with a scale, I bought the Homedics model. It was $49, has settings for 4 people, takes your height info and gives you your BMI as well. So, I took it out of the box, put in the info and got on. It said I weighed 329.6, well it’s better than 331, but considering I was 328 on 7/9 I found no comfort. Just to make sure the spot I put the scale on was level I turned it 180 degrees, got on and now it said I was 328.8, better weight, but not what I was looking for, I wanted it to say 329.6 so I could at least make sure I was getting accurate readings. My floor has 10″ ceramic tiles, so I moved the scale up one tile, got on and now it said I was 327.6 – I am now jumping out of my skin I am so frustrated. I made a comment about getting different readings every time and got a discertation from my son and husband on how scales differ, I’m never going to get the same reading as from my doctor, I have to pick a spot on the floor and weigh myself the same exact way, wearing the same clothing and at the same time and that I shouldn’t worry about where on the floor I put the scale, just put it in the same spot every time. I tried telling them that I wanted to know where to put the scale to get the most accurate reading, I have to know that I’ve lost something, and then I got the same lecture again. I got very upset because they’re hearing me speak, but not listening to what I was saying and I feel like they just don’t understand what I’m going through and when I said this, I just got yelled at louder. The thought of struggling with the throwing up, loose bowels, pain, nausea, being limited to liquid and semi liquids this far after surgery and not seeing the scale move is a bit more than I can bare right now. Rather than try and help me find the best location they just continued to tell me what I was doing wrong and how I should not worry about where I put the scale – I should only focus on what the scale at the doctors office says. I couldn’t take it anymore, I got loud and was yelling and then my husband began yelling at me to calm down and my son became angry with me and left the room. When I told them I was at the end of my rope, I was told to go back to the shrink and go back on my meds. Just what I needed to hear! I told my husband the other night I felt like I left one prison for another and now I feel like I’ve been put into solitary confinement. Sorry, I know it sounds like I’m having a pity party, but I just had to say what I feel. I’m going to stop here for now, I’ve made myself sick from being so upset. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention my dinner didn’t stay down tonight – back to square one… and, as I am about to submit my post, I got a call about a dear dear friend, mentor and man of God, we just learned that he was admitted into emergency surgery and they found he has stomach cancer and had to have his colon removed. This is such a shock because we were originally told it was merely colitis, then possibly a few cancer presenting cells in some polyups in his colon – this is really more than I can bare right now so please forgive me, I must go and get in God’s presence – I need His peace right now. Take care and God bless…