What Would You Say?

I’m sitting here, not feeling well, actually not feeling well for several days, and I’m trying to focus on something other than not feeling well.  I’m really trying to focus on Jesus and being closer to Him.

As I’m sitting here thinking on Him, a book came to my mind that I’ve read and gave away in one of my Pay It Forwards some time back.  The book is called, “Dinner With A Perfect Stranger: An Invitation Worth Considering” by David Gregory

It’s a really good book and it’s about a man who receives an invitation to dine with Jesus, which he perceives to be a gag from his friends.  Although he is a very busy man, he decides to accept the invitation. (I won’t go any further, you’ll have to read the book to find out what transpires)

So, anyway, I began to wonder, if Jesus invited me to dinner, what would I do?  Would I go?  If I went, what would I wear?  What would I order?  More importantly, what would I say?

I would probably be unable to say or do anything.  I imagine I would be numb from fear, shame, awe, amazement and wonder just to be sitting in His presence before “my time” or His final coming – whichever comes first.

At some point, I am sure He would say something to make me feel at ease because I am sure if He wanted to invite me to dinner, there was a reason for it and my being catatonic would not be in either of our best interests.

I’d like to think that I would ask Him something intelligent, something that would benefit mankind, but I know me, so I doubt I would have the forethought for that.

I’d probably ask Him to fill in the gaps of His life.  He walked this earth for 33 years, but we know so little of His life, except for those last few years.  I would ask Him if He always knew His purpose was the cross, and if not, when was it revealed to Him.  I’d ask Him if I get to meet David and Joseph and James and Paul and will I see loved ones that are in heaven.  I’d ask Him what heaven was like and if Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins got any of it right in their Left Behind series. 

Then, I guess there would be that moment of truth moment where I’d ask Him about my path.  I know that I’m forgiven of my sins so I wouldn’t go into the wrongs of my past.  I know that once I ask forgiveness and repent, He tosses them into the sea of forgetfulness, but I can’t seem to be as forgetful or forgiving of myself.  I would ask Him what I’m doing wrong and what I have to do to get it right.  I’d ask Him what my calling is, because no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to figure it out.

I know He wants me to do something, I can feel it.  I get this well of feelings that start in my stomach, then make their way up through my chest and into my throat and my heart beats fast and my breathing speeds up and I feel like I’m going to cry out and then something breaks.  The feeling stops moving toward my brain – it seems to dissipate just as it gets to my mouth and it fades away.  It’s like sensory overload, then shutdown. 

Right now I feel like I am in a Catch 22.  I feel so rundown and weak.  I have little to no energy and feel like I can sleep all day, however I don’t really sleep.  I toss and turn and drift in and out of sleep, which is probably why I am so rundown.  I know that through prayer and God’s Word, I can renew my strength and health and while I do spend time in prayer, it’s not quality time.  When I read the Word, I am so tired, I can barely remember what I’ve read, let alone meditate on it.  I need to pray and be in God’s Word so I can get restful sleep and have energy to pray and read God’s Word so I can know His will but I need to have restful sleep to have energy to pray and read God’s Word, and on it goes…

I know the enemy wants me stuck in this rut because God has something powerful in mind for me.  It frustrates me because I feel as though I am no further in my walk today as I was years ago.  I feel as though time is slipping by and I’m stuck watching it from my window.  I battle with the feeling that I am powerless yet have the knowledge that through Christ I am an overcomer.  This then leads me to believe that I am in fact my own worst enemy which then would mean I am praying against the wrong force and should focus my prayers on my own flesh and mind.

So, here I sit, wanting so badly to be released, to be healed, to have some kind of transformation, to understand what’s going on.  I’m wondering why, if I am truly a born again, spirit filled, Jesus loving, knowledge seeking child of God, why is this happening?  WHY?  To what end and for what purpose?

I will say that I know enough to know that I know, ya know?  I mean, I know this funk I am in will last for just a season – the problem is that my understanding of a season and God’s season are totally two different things.  I know the comfort and promise of Psalm 23, and I know through Isaiah 55 that God’s Word does not return to Him void.  Through John 14 I know that Jesus is the only Son of God and the only way to the Father.  I know that Jesus was born, died, and rose again for the remittance of my sins and that He is preparing a place for me.

I don’t need scientific proof of Jesus, or God, or The Bible.  I take all that on faith, I don’t feel the need to explain it or have documented evidence to believe it.  What I do need is to understand who I am, why I am and what I am supposed to be doing with my life.  To me, having faith in God is the easy part, the problem is with the latter.


2 thoughts on “What Would You Say?

  1. You are expressing exactly how I feel and I’m
    pretty sure most of us feel all our lives
    except for maybe a handful of people. You are
    doing what you are intended to do. Living your
    life as best you can and helping others along
    the way. Not so bad, is it? God Bless.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s