My Journey Toward A New Life

I think they should call gastric bypass surgery “The Cha-Cha” because you take a few steps forward and then a few steps backward.  Or perhaps they can call it “The Gastric Rollercoaster”, because one minute you’re soaring to new heights, and the next plunging toward the ground. 

Okay, have you figured out that I am not a happy camper today?  I am having problems again keeping stuff down.  It’s so frustrating, and even though my family sympathizes, they don’t really understand.  I spent most of Saturday night and Sunday in a tug of war with my emotions; crying one minute, barking out orders the next and then finally yucking it up with everyone.  My daughters boyfriend is probably reconsidering  his options right about now.  The problem is, when he met me I was not doing well physically or emotionally and since my surgery I have slowly begun to regain some part of myself. 

I am sooooo tired of mashed potatoes and soup/broth I can’t even begin to tell you.  I got myself a stick blender which works really well, the problem is, when I go to put something in my mouth I get the heaves.  I am more thirsty than anything and I am a little concerned about de-hydrating.  One symptom is darkening of your urine and normally mine is clear or pale.  The past few days it has become darker, almost orange.  I’m calling my doctor today even though my next visit is coming up next monday – I just don’t want to take any chances.

 What really confuses me is that I have so much energy I want to climb out of my skin sometimes.  I also noticed that after taking my Inderal (blood pressure meds) I feel funny, almost like my pressure is way too low, and even though they cut my dosage in half, I think I don’t need it anymore.  I know this is probably not smart but I’m going to stop taking it for a day or two and see how my pressure is.  I found a b/p machine we used for my husband years ago so I’m going to use it to  monitor my pressure.  Last week when I went to my primary care doctor, my b/p was 110/75 – good huh!?!

I tried to have spaghetti and a small meatball for dinner last night.  I didn’t puree it, but I did mush it up and chewed it really good before swallowing but it did not stay with me.  Now, you know what really pissed me off???  I tried some dessert my son made; toasted pound cake with a plop of fruit blended coolwhip (take frozen coolwhip, strawberries and blueberries and blend with stick blender until smooth and creamy).   Wondering if I kept it down??  YES I DID, and that’s what pissed me off!  I can also eat Funyuns and they stay with me.  What the crap!!!???  I can keep junk down, but not the good stuff.  It’s to the point now, where I can’t be around food, tv food shows or anyone eating because I get very upset knowing that I cannot have what they are having.  Now, for the record I don’t want junk food or sweets; I have no craving for them at all – I want a salad, chicken, juicy sirloin burger, veggies, tuna fish, sushi, pasta, grilled cheese, well you get the picture.  I don’t even need a whole lot, just one or two bites.  I also want to take bigger sips of my water than a teaspoon full.  I knew the first 2 weeks after surgery would be hard but come on… I’m nearly a month out of surgery and I am still on mostly liquids – and let’s not even talk about getting protein in.  Now, as for my weight, I honestly could not tell you where I am at.  My scale is on it’s way to that big landfill in the sky – I killed it because it lied to me and it was very tempremental.  I’m now in the market for a new one.  I guess I could deal with ups and downs if I knew I was seeing results somewhere.  (meaning my gutt and my butt)  I can’t go by looks because I am so used to looking at myself in such a critical light I still see my pre-surgery body when I look in the mirror.  Hey! – you don’t think I need a shrink do you??  I think my husband feels like I should go back on my “meds”.  I know my primary doctor thought it wasn’t such a good idea to just stop taking them, but come on – I was in the hospital 5 days, no meds – and then I couldn’t swallow enough water to take any meds for nearly 2 weeks after I came home.  It just made sense to me to not go back.  I told my husband I feel like I traded one prison (of the mind/body) for another (of the stomach)  It’s possible I may still be going through some withdrawl, I mean after all, I was on the stuff for 5+ years, but I refuse to go back into that prison cell.  It sucked, literally – it sucked the life from me to the point where even my closest friends didn’t recognize the person I’d become.  I’ve always been known as the bubbly one, the one who could make you laugh and always had a smile on my face.  I turned into the one who just sat in the corner, no emotion, no laughter, no joy – why is it those things made to help us end up hurting us?  If I didn’t have Jesus in my life, I really don’t know where I’d be right now.  He’s the only thing that sustains me and keeps me going.  Lord, thank you for loving me and never leaving me.

Well, for  now I’ve decided to focus on getting my house in order – literally.  I’m organizing my kitchen so that it is more functional.  I have a very small kitchen and very little countertop area so I took out the table and chairs (we couldn’t all fit around it anyway) and brought up an old wrought iron/wicker shelf rack to hold my pots and pans and mixing/serving bowls.  I also had a little mini-bar w/stools to match and that now holds some of my canisters and in the drawers I have my paper plates/bowls and various bags (trash bags, storage bags, lunch bags, etc) which really freed up cabinet and drawer space.  I’m looking to get a nice long butcher block prep table.  I found one at Ikea and I love it.  I want to get a slab of marble or granite for the top so I can use it to roll dough, make cookies, etc…  I also need to repaint the walls and put in a new floor, but as long as they are kept clean, they don’t look too bad.  Here I am going on and on about what I want to do in my house – sorry for putting you all to sleep.  But just for good measure, I’ll go on…  I just got done putting in a new bathroom sink and faucets as well as new tub fixtures.  What a huge difference it makes.  I had to because the bowl of the sink was cracking, the fixtures were leaking and breaking and you couldn’t take tubbies because the water diverter seized up along with the lever that lets the water fill up in the tub.  All I need to do in the bathroom right now is touch up paint, new mini-blinds, shower curtain rod, toilet and floor.  But like the kitchen, keep them clean and they’ll do fine for now. 

Anyway, you can at least see h0w I’m putting my energy to use – I also have started working on my crafts again.  I make flower arrangements, wreaths, etc…  I have about a dozen of those really big Rubbermaid containers full of stuff (my husband calls it junk and has threatened on more than one occasion to trash it when I’m not looking.  I’D HAVE TO BE DEAD FIRST FOR THAT TO HAPPEN and I’m not going  ANYWHERE!!!  I figure this is a good time to get a jump on the holiday gift giving and start making gifts versus shopping for them. 

Anyway – I’m gonna go and try to make myself some scrambled eggs.  Lord willing they’ll sit well with me.  I want to run a few errands and I have to get started on my “Angels” because I have to make about 30 of them before next monday.  I want to give one to each nurse and staff member that has been a part of my surgery.  Maybe I’ll post a few pictures and the directions on the site some time this week.  For that matter, I’ll post a few pictures of my other work.  Well, I hope you enjoy this glorious day, it’s sunny here and a tad bit humid, but it looks so lovely.  It truly brings peace and joy to my heart.

God bless you and keep you in His care. (make sure you send me your prayer requests either by email (cruzinnj@gmail.com or cruzinnj@verizon.net ) or commenting on a post.  Please feel free to refer my blog to others and give me your feedback.  Know that God is in control and He has given you dominion over EVERY aspect and circumstance in your life. – briggie ^i^

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